Turns out it
wasn’t such a good idea to strap on a werewolf mask and blast your ex’s house
with eggs while screaming “JEZEBEL” at the top of your lungs.Now you’ve been blasted with a restraining
order.
THIS WEEK: RESIST THE URGE TO LEAVE YOUR PROPERTY, TEEN
WOLF.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
A tainted batch
of hot dogs puts you down for the count this week.Cancel your plans, because the sickness oozes
into the weekend.
THIS WEEK: THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING MYSTERY MEAT
ANYWAY.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
A karaoke
disaster erupts when you freeze up and miff the words to Billie Jean.Drunken bar
patrons chuck beer bottles your direction and call for your head.
THIS WEEK: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Annnnd.....the Cubs still suck!World Series hopes flushed down the toilet AGAIN, suckers!When will you learn?
THIS WEEK:ABANDON THE SHIP ALREADY, BECAUSE IT SUNK 100 YEARS AGO.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
After viewing
Gumby DVDs, your child decides to spray paint the dog orange.Think twice about that nap, or you could wake
up a nice shade of green.
THIS WEEK: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO INTRODUCE HIM TO THE
SMURFS?
Virgo
August 23-September 22
What you assume
is an innocent white patch on your back turns out to be the beginnings of the
horrific “tree-man syndrome.”This leads
to your wife leaving you and neighborhood dogs pissing on your legs.
THIS WEEK: BEGIN WRITING A BOOK ABOUT LIFE AS A TREE.
IT WILL BE WORTH MILLIONS.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Consuming 11
packs of energy-infused sport beans in one sitting is not a good idea.The doctor will reiterate this point to you
once you arrive at the hospital.
THIS WEEK: YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
Leo
July 23-August 22
An intriguing
acquaintance named “Illinois”
invites you over for what he describes as a feisty game of Silence of the Lambs.Be
wary of the hose.
THIS WEEK: TRY TROLLING DIFFERENT CHAT ROOMS OF A TAMER
VARIETY.
Aries
March 21-April 19
A redneck attack
leaves you smattered with discarded animal intestines and reeking of deer
urine. Shouts of “4x4!, GUNS! and MOSSY OAK RULEZ!” echo in the wake.
THIS WEEK: YOU SHOULD’VE HAD SOME BEAR MACE...COME
PREPARED NEXT TIME!
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Yikes, identity
theft! Some dope in Hoboken
racked up charges for Larry the Cable Guy
DVDs and internet porn memberships.Have
fun explaining your way out of that one.
THIS WEEK: TOUGH LUCK FOR YOU, BUDDY.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
One hundred and
twenty four year-old presidential candidate John McCain turns to dust and
disintegrates on the campaign trail while trying to sympathize with “Joe the
Plumber.”POOF!Just like John, your dreams of another
Republican White House vanish into thin air.
THIS WEEK: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO TRUST A MAN
WITH WOODEN TEETH IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
You are enticed
by a rough-neck lady dancing with all the right moves at a local hole in the
wall bar. This could yield true love or another alimony payment.
THIS WEEK: PONDER WHETHER OR NOT 13 BUDWEISERS
NEGATIVELY AFFECTS YOUR DECISION-MAKING PROCESS.
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